Four Areas of Intimacy That Are Vital to Great Relationships

By - Paul Hargreaves

Intercourse literally means "to get to know someone intimately." In our culture, we often limit the term to refer only to the act of sex. However, we've nearly forgotten the traditional Biblical meaning of the verb "to know," which specifically refers to having sexual intercourse.

Biblical history begins with this line: "And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived..."

The words "intercourse" and "knowledge" are closely related. To honestly know your spouse involves becoming intimate in various ways. I will arrange the following types of intimacy in order of importance. The best life is one that begins with God and keeps Him central in both personal and marital relationships. It requires intentional effort to prioritize these types of intimacy based on their value and impact throughout your marriage.

Spiritual Intercourse

Consider the saying: "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Some writers have seen that truth as a picture of marriage: man-woman-God bound together in a strong union. Praying together is one of the foundations of spiritual intercourse. The most crucial goal of prayer together is that it keeps

our relationship as a couple intimate and close, and it keeps our hearts open before the Lord. Look at any relationship as a triangle of three rather than a line of two. If God is at the top of the triangle, there is communication that each of you has with God individually; however, you can also experience spiritual intimacy with one another by praying to God together.

There is a great deal of unspoken accountability in our shared walk with the Lord. Daily prayer can serve as the guardian of the marriage, for the husband and wife who pray together do not pray alone. God Himself is present in prayerful moments, and He will encourage the formation of an ever-closer bond. He will lend His strength to that bond. He will mend any brokenness that occurs between the couple who talk to Him together.

Attending worship services or small groups in a local church as a couple is another way to build spiritual intimacy. The Bible instructs Christians not to forget to meet with others of faith in Jesus.

“And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” ~Hebrews 10:25

We are born into groups called families. The Church is a group called a family and a body. The Bible tells us that Jesus is the head of this body. If the Church is a body with each of us as members, we are encouraged to stay connected to Jesus and to one another. We can have a deeper intimacy with Jesus by developing our own relationship with Him, but the Bible tells us that our faith also needs community to grow. Worship is also seen as a combination of both personal and corporate settings. God wants our spiritual intimacy to grow by gathering with others and consequently staying connected to the direction and plans that Jesus has for our lives.

Consider three ways to cultivate intimacy:

Verbal Intercourse

This intimacy involves getting to know your spouse through conversation and spending quality time together. I want you to know some ways you can find time to talk to each other.

Twelve Ways to Find Time to Talk to Your Spouse

• You're both home from work at the end of the day? Set aside fifteen minutes at some point to discuss — reflect on — your respective day's activities.

• Have dinner together daily, but make a rule that the TV is off during dinner to encourage conversation. For that hour, let the voicemail take all phone calls except emergencies.

• Schedule a weekly or monthly date night that cannot be broken. If your schedule permits, get together for lunch once a week — even if you're brown-bagging it in the park.

• As a couple, attend one of your children's sports games or other performances. It's incredible how conversation can develop while you sit and watch your child, or on the way to and from the game.

• Take a walk together after dinner. It's a good time to talk, and it's also beneficial for your physical health.

• If you are allowed some flexibility in your work schedule, consider going in late one day to spend some quality time together. Once you have kids in school, it can be after they have started attending school. Enjoy an hour or so with your spouse.

• Read a magazine article or book together that you both feel will stimulate a discussion.

• Once you have children, don't be afraid to use babysitters to give you time alone to talk to each other.

• Write each other little notes that begin, "I have something really amazing to talk with you about the next time we're together."

• Once or twice a year, plan a weekend getaway for just the two of you.

• Ask your best friend to hold you accountable to meet regularly with your wife/husband at least once a week for a meaningful conversation.

One intimacy killer is to combine a serious discussion about a conflictive issue while on a fun date, during an intimate talk, or just before or right after the sexual experience. Plan your conflict discussions during the week at a specific time and day. There is a time and place for those all-important conflict resolution moments. It is not when you need to find more verbal intimacy.

Emotional Intercourse

Sharing deep feelings is emotional intercourse, and it's vital to sexual satisfaction. . . this involves conversations that deal with more than facts alone. It's definitely easy to get so caught up in the mundane rhythms of life that you lose track of each other and who you're each becoming. The person you once knew so well can start to look like a stranger when you don't take the time to live in each other's worlds and connect. If you're feeling distant from your spouse, and even if you're not, try taking some time to talk about your answers to the following questions the next time you find yourselves relaxing together or on a date:

• If you could choose the activities to do that would make a perfect day, what would you choose?

• What's your favorite childhood memory?

• What are the ten most essential things on your personal bucket list?

• When did you last cry about something, and what did you cry about?

• If you could wake up tomorrow morning with one new skill or ability, what would you choose?

• What do you like best about our relationship?

• What's something that you'd like to try, but that you're too scared to try?

• If all of your friends were asked to describe you, which friend's description would be the most accurate and why?

Physical Intercourse

Consider meeting one another's needs through touch, such as caressing, hugging, kissing, and expressing romance. Most women require eight to twelve meaningful touches daily to maintain high energy levels and feel connected to their husband—whether it's a hug, a hand squeeze, a pat on the shoulder, or a gentle kiss. Men also need touch, although they are more visually stimulated. The essence of physical intimacy is understanding your spouse and choosing to act on what stimulates them. Each individual seeks opportunities and ways to experience physical closeness. As each person becomes more selfless, giving, and focused on meeting the other's physical needs, deeper physical intimacy is achieved. Physical intimacy takes time and is best nurtured by understanding each other's needs well. This type of love is patient and centered on the other person.