Discipline…the art of becoming a disciple.

Bob Dylan had a series of "Christian" albums, which were released after he announced his conversion to Christianity. The first album was "Slow Train Coming," which featured a song titled "Gotta Serve Somebody." This song was met with divisive reviews, and John Lennon of the Beatles famously criticized the song and wrote a parody titled "Serve Yourself" in response.

The truth is that we are created to serve somebody. We are made to look for and have within our lives a final authority. As Dylan says in the song..." Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but you're gonna have to serve somebody". There certainly is the option to "Serve Yourself" as Lennon puts it, but we all need to ask ourselves regularly, "Who or what is most important to me? Who or what do I serve?

I wonder if the words of Jesus inspired Dylan in the Gospel of Matthew.

“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money." ~Matthew 6:24

Or perhaps he had just read Galatians 1:10, where the Apostle Paul, inspired by God through His Word, says to us...

"Am I now seeking the approval of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Or maybe he read James 4:4 that speaks harshly to us...

"You adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore, whoever chooses to be a friend of the world renders himself an enemy of God."

The truth remains that we are all serving or following someone or something that has somehow become our final authority.

God has given parents the task of helping children understand that He is the ultimate authority for all people, for all time. From the time of Adam and Eve's creation in the garden to each of our coming into the world, God has always been the final authority. That is what it means when we say He is God or He is our Lord. When it comes to discipline, we are all ultimately subject to the final authority of God. He is perfect in His discipline. We might as well learn from Him what it means to discipline our children.

The word "discipline" comes from the word "disciple," which is a great term that Jesus uses to give a title to those who have decided to follow Him. Etymonline.com tells us that this word's origin is: "Old English, from Latin discipulus' learner', from discere 'learn'; reinforced by Old French deciple. Latin discipulus "pupil, student, follower,"

If the Heart of discipline is seeing our children as learners, pupils, students, and followers of Jesus, perhaps our approach to discipline would be more than just helping our children follow the rules. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, it could be as simple as "Just Say No."

If we recognize that the primary role of parents is to help our children learn what it means to be a disciple or follower of Jesus, we will need to learn as parents what this entails. It is Biblically accurate to look at our lives and the lives of our children from three dimensions: Heart, Soul, and Mind. Jesus tells us that the most important commandment of all is this: "…love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' Being a disciple of Jesus then seems to have three dimensions. How can we shepherd our children's hearts, souls, and minds?

When we first became parents, my wife and I both read a variety of books on discipline. Most seemed to center on modifying the behavior of your children. Behavior modification, simply put, means that your children's behavior is modified through a series of rewards for good behavior and punishments for bad behavior. If you want disciplined children, you need to establish a clear reward and punishment system. This kind of discipline will control their behavior as long as you are in control. Although we found effective ways to use this type of discipline, it always seemed to teach children how to behave from the outside in, rather than learning what authentic change would look like, which would come from the inside out.

Whenever the parenting goal was to control our children's actions by modifying their behavior alone, we would often find ourselves worn out and circling back to the same issues without much change. There are times when we have all tried to guide, nudge, nag, remind, even harass… yet, in the end, these kids still seem to decide what action they will take.

If the goal of discipline is to achieve more lasting behavior change, my wife and I have found that it is better to address the root of the problem. Sin is really the root. Sin literally means to "miss the mark". If the mark of a disciple is to be like Jesus, then we can agree that every single one of us will miss that mark every day. There is an obvious need for cleansing and forgiveness when we fall short of our mark. A disciplined follower of Jesus will need to learn what it means to turn away from anything we do or say that is not Christ-like, re-center our lives on the Lord, and be spiritually cleansed from this behavior every single day. Good physical hygiene includes washing regularly, so it makes sense that spiritual cleansing should be just as regular, if not more so.

Shepherding the hearts of our kids towards seeking Jesus first is quite the challenge when our culture has so many other things they can center their lives on. As our children grow older, we notice them becoming increasingly like the culture in which they live. What can keep their lives centered on following Jesus as they get older? What if we focused more on the Heart, soul, and mental well-being of our children when they were younger? What if helping children center their lives daily on Jesus changes their behavior? Inside-out discipline stems more from focusing on the condition of our children's hearts.

It has seemed to my wife and I that teaching our children to love the LORD our God and center our lives on Him was foundationally the best course towards disciplined children. We are blessed to have three daughters who daily center their lives on Jesus and teach their children to do the same. Although each of them received a lot of guidance to help them understand what it means to re-center their lives on Jesus throughout the 18 or so years they were in our home, A lot of tears, a lot of patience, a lot of trial and error, many times of confession and forgiveness, and a whole lot of our asking God to fill and empower us by His Holy Spirit.

Look for creative ways to help your children re-center their hearts on the Lord. Teach them what this looks like by what you say and do. Create an environment where you find that behavior is modified through learning together that sin, repentance, and forgiveness stem from daily centering our lives on Jesus. At time,s it will seem like a fight- a fight for their hearts. Hearts are being tugged by so many things and people in our world. This is a fight worth fighting for. There is a great blog written by Reggie Joiner called Fight for the Heart. Check it out. It will help you understand how to cultivate a culture of unconditional love in your home, which in turn will foster the emotional and moral well-being of your children.

Now, let's approach discipline in a way that incorporates three essential ingredients: practice, planning, and patience.

1. I need to practice being like Jesus in the way that I act and talk to my kids.

That means I need to seek Jesus and habitually center my life on Him through my everyday interactions. Know that children are watching your behavior, and they will learn from you. Centering your life on being a disciple of Jesus and striving to be more like Him will teach your children many valuable lessons. Use words that are helpful and not harmful. That is what Jesus does with us. Truth sometimes hurts, but it is useful. Words of encouragement and blessings, along with praise, are also helpful. Reflect on your actions and words. Are they modeling who Jesus is for all of us?

Ephesians 4:29 (GWT) “Don’t say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you.”

2. Good discipline is preceded by good planning.

Discipline will always include consequences of our actions. God gave us the 10 commandments to let us know the boundaries we need to live within. It wasn't to make life miserable. These laws actually come from the Heart of Love from our Heavenly Father. God has and allows consequences to teach us, and so should we as parents. If my child makes the wrong decision, what are the implications? Do my kids know the rules? Do they also understand the consequences? Are we consistent in our rules and the consequences we impose? There have been times we've sent a child to their room, letting them know, "We're going to let you take some time to think about the rules, and also the right consequences for your action. In a little while, we'll sit down with you and talk through all of that." Good planning means that your children first know the rules to live and love by. It also means that they understand the potential consequences of breaking the various laws. To be a disciple means that there will be a whole lot of re-centering on Jesus, cleansing and forgiveness, and repentant hearts turning back toward and following Him.

3. Patience, grace, mercy, and love are critical elements when fighting for the Heart of a child.

Why? Because kids are going to make mistakes. That has been the way for all of us on this journey of being a disciple — a follower of Jesus. Our ability to be patient with their mistakes communicates an unconditional love towards them. They need a safe place to mess up and know that they are capable of doing better the next time. While your children are in your home and before they leave the "nest," patience, grace, mercy, and love create great discipleship space for learning what it means to follow Jesus. There will be times when you will find yourself lacking any or all of these attributes. The fruit of God's Spirit is what we need. Be daily filled with the Spirit of Almighty God. The evidence of God and His Spirit in us is seeing the fruit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. Be filled… Daily!

Jeremiah 7:23 says to all of our hearts...

"But this is what I [God] commanded them, saying, 'Obey My voice, and I will be your God, and you will be My people; and you will walk in all the way which I command you, that it may be well with you.'"

Let's teach our children what it means to obey the Lord in all things so that "it may be well" with them. Teach your children about this most essential relationship every day. He will be our God and we will be His people. He is the perfect final authority.

Parenting at its best involves daily decisions to allow God to be the ultimate authority in our lives and in the lives of our children. By the time they leave the nest of our home, they should be able to live in the perfect discipline of the LORD.